When couples are struggling and are looking for help, the first thing they usually think about is Couples Therapy. At the same time, they usually cringe and think (especially the guys) ‘Hell no!’ Have you ever stopped to think about why this is such a common reaction? In my professional opinion, it’s due to the natural instinct a human brain has to avoid being made wrong. And boy, Couples Therapy is very focused on trying to fix what’s wrong with your relationship. And if there’s something wrong with the relationship, it can only mean one thing: there’s definitely something wrong with you, your partner or both!
No wonder when couples actually go to therapy, each partner is very certain they are going there so they can fix their spouse. Because nobody likes to think there’s something wrong with them! But did you know that Relationship Coaching is much more effective than Couples Therapy for most couples looking for help?
There's Nothing Wrong With You
That’s the first very important way Relationships Coaching is completely different from Couples Therapy. Here there’s nothing wrong with you, we don’t see you as broken or in need of being fixed. We just see you as a couple that doesn’t have the right model and tools to help your relationship thrive. And we know what makes an intimate long term relationship successful. It’s just a matter of removing what’s not productive and consistently adding what leads to the desired outcome. Yes, it’s that simple.
For example, one couple came to see me and they fought a lot because the husband felt his wife criticized and nagged him all the time. At the same time, the wife felt he never listened to her and that her needs didn’t matter to him. With me they learned how a marriage is actually supposed to work. With the 7 Secrets of a Successful Relationship framework they were able to see what was misguiding their behaviours and they understood why they were feeling the way they were. We worked together on an action plan and they created new patterns of behaviour. With some time the new patterns completely transformed the way they see and relate to each other, and the relationship.
Now he feels she values and admires him, and she feels that he sees, understands and acknowledges her. Most of the time. They are still human beings that get caught in reaction sometimes! Real relationships are not happy ever after fairy tales. But now they can see when they react and get back to their new actions much quicker! And without the never ending drama and conflict they experienced before.
Only a Low Percentage of Couples Requires Mental Health Treatment
Over there in the Couples Therapy and Counseling arena, healthcare professionals are the ones leading the framework. The nature of these professions is to find a pathology and then its cure or mitigation. They assume there’s something wrong that needs correction, elimination or a container. But reality is that this is the case only for a small percentage of the population. Most couples don’t have a pathological behaviour like Compulsive Passive-Aggressive Behaviour, Compulsive Cheating or Sex Addiction, Compulsive Lying – you get my point. And only a small percentage of couples have a serious mental illness like Narcissistic Personality Disorder (0.5%), Borderline Personality Disorder (1.6%), Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (too low for percentage to be known, general OCD affects around 2% of the general population), Alcohol Use Disorder (1.4%). The numbers are really low.
When Couples Therapy Gets it Wrong
So what happens when a couple without a behavioural or mental pathology goes to a healthcare professional for relationship treatment? There are usually 2 scenarios. First, they get treatment as if they were in the pathological spectrum. The therapist will look for evidence that there’s something wrong to fix. On top of the couple feeling bad about themselves (let’s face it, who likes feeling like there’s something wrong with them?) and usually trying to divert the attention to their partner so they are the problematic one, the strategies used don’t make sense to them. They usually end up not implementing the advice – because they don’t feel good about it. Or end up trying it anyway – because they are paying for the advice! – but see little to no results.
In the second scenario they get treatment taking into account they don’t have any strong pathology. However, health professionals are not trained to deal with healthy individuals that are just in need of specific coaching to achieve a specific outcome. So they end up dwelling a lot in what’s problematic with the relationship, what childhood events lead to trauma and the problematic behaviours, who triggers whom and when, etc. In terms of solutions, it’s mostly an expectation that once the reason for the behaviour is clear, the awareness of it is going to start changing it. Have you ever become aware of what’s causing your undesired behaviour and it still made no difference to eliminate it? Like excessive eating due to stress or sadness?
Knowing the Cause is Not Enough - You Need the Right Tools
The truth is that just knowing the cause unfortunately doesn’t make a difference. It points in the right direction but then you need a plan of action with consistent following through. In therapy, healthy couples usually get a generic and superficial plan of action like this: improve communication, compromise in disagreements, make “I” statements instead of “you” statements, and “just try it, you might like it once you get going”. Have you seen this make a difference in any relationship long term? It doesn’t. The key for thriving relationships is mastering the tools that lead to significant behaviours that create positive results, both in your relationship with yourself and your relationship with your partner.
The Right Expert for the Right Need
Do you know couples that went to Couples Therapy and they ended up divorcing anyway? Everybody does. The main reason for that is that they were probably not a good fit for Couples Therapy in the first place, they were most likely a normal healthy couple without any pathological behaviour. They were just missing the map for a healthy happy relationship. But instead of going to an expert in healthy couples relationships they went to an expert in unhealthy couples relationships. Oh oh.
Unless the couple – or at least one of them – has a serious mental health issue or pathological behaviour that requires a health professional capable of treating and helping them overcome the pathology, the best professional to help a couple in the shortest amount of time is a highly qualified Relationship Coach.
Yes, this is where I toot my horn! When you work with me I get you from where you are to where you want to be in your relationship without you feeling like a failure or that you are broken. I see you for who I know you can become together once you consistently apply the coaching and strategies over the course of my program. I believe in you 100% and keep you engaged in taking action to move forward until your relationship is completely transformed – because at that point you will have the tools to transform yourselves!
Ready to change the future of your relationship and get it back on track? Time to think: Is it time for the health care approach of Couples Therapy or the transformative power of Relationships Coaching?
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