7 Secrets of a Successful Relationship
Is your relationship falling apart despite all your efforts? If you tried lots of strategies and advice to improve your relationship but are left wondering why the heck it’s still falling apart, wonder no more! Here are the 7 Secrets that MUST be present for an intimate relationship to be successful. These are secrets because you won’t hear about them from your mainstream relationship experts. Their work is based on an outdated model of relationship with principles that are just working on the surface of the relationship. They don’t really address the root cause of the issues that require a deeper understanding of human behavior. Strategies like improving communication, unconditional acceptance, creating a safe space for feelings, creating boundaries, look good on the surface but don’t work long term. It’s like adding a lick of paint and new carpet to a house with wobbly foundations. No matter how pretty you make it on the surface, if you don’t strengthen the foundations, the house will eventually crumble.
1. focusing on the real purpose of relationship
Real healthy relationships are not meant to be happily ever after fairy tales nor endless passion filled romances. And much less calm, centered and conflict free partnerships – how could they? They are the result of interactions between human beings that are on a journey of learning and self growth. And usually without any healthy role models of real successful relationships to learn from and a ton of self doubt!
The purpose of an intimate relationship is NOT to get you to always feel safe, loved and validated. Relationships are meant to bring things up so you can become aware of what’s stopping you from being a better you. Once that happens you can work on them, grow as a person and become a better human being. To have a happy and successful relationship you will have to work on yourself – there’s no escaping that.
" When you give what you want to get,
you totally miss the point! "
2. UNDERSTANDING DIFFERENT NEEDS
One of the most misguided quotes when it comes to intimate relationships is “do to others what you’d like done to yourself”. While the intention is good, the result is poor at best! Because others – especially your partner – don’t usually need and like the same things you do! People don’t experience things the same way you do because they have different rules for what a certain outcome looks like. For example, to feel respected some people need to feel heard and understood, while others need to feel appreciated and valued.
Have you experienced feeling like you’re giving everything and receiving nothing? Funny enough, your partner is likely experiencing exactly the same. When you give what you want to get, you totally miss the point of firstly finding out what your partner really wants and needs! If you first take your time to learn their rules for feeling a certain way, their main Love Personality, Erotic Language, and Core Polarity Needs, you’ll then be able to deliver what they really need and crave.
3. HAVING STRONG MASCULINE & FEMININE POLARITY WITHIN THE COUPLE
Have you heard of Feminine and Masculine energies? They are not wishy washy new age concepts as a lot of people may think. They are the main source of sexual attraction between two people – yep, between you and your partner, so better start learning about them now. We all have both Masculine and Feminine energies, they are not defined by gender, but one energy is always stronger.
The strongest one is called our leading core polarity. The two energies work as a magnet that attracts the opposite and repels the same polarity. When we get triggered or stressed we usually go into the opposite of our natural leading polarity. When this occurs we end up with 2 masculines, 2 feminines or a masculine and feminine but in reversed roles.
In the first two, the sexual tension and attraction disappears until the core energies are restored to their natural function. It’s like trying to connect 2 positive poles of a magnet, no matter how much you try, they will always repel each other. The third scenario still can have sexual attraction, but it feels fake and unsatisfying. Until polarities are restored to their natural leading energies, the relationship will be unfulfilling.
4. Compatibility and Shared
Relationship Values and Goals
To be successful, a long-term relationship needs both attraction and commonality. Many couples fail to consider their compatibility and find out if they have shared values, goals, and desires before committing. Often, people ignore the disparities in their relationship, believing they can change their partner’s mind. but, pursuing different goals without open disclosure leads to inevitable conflicts. We can compare it to being in the same car wanting to head to different destinations – someone won’t end up happy. Starting a relationship without discussing fundamental goals, such as monogamy, starting a family, or financial plans, can lead to disappointment and frustration later on. It’s crucial to establish compatibility in values and aspirations to build a lasting fulfilled partnership.
5. equal value & importance
for both partners
Recognizing that both partners are equally important and hold the same intrinsic value as individuals, no matter what their strengths and weaknesses, forms a foundation of respect and mutual appreciation.
Avoiding the trap of associating a higher value to one partner’s strength – like income – compared to the other partner’s strength – like family care – is key to keeping a sense of equality in the relationship. A fair division of tasks and responsibilities within the whole relationship ensures that the total of the workload is equally shared, promoting a sense of balance, fairness and partnership.
When equality and fairness are present, there’s space for genuine appreciation and gratitude for each other’s contribution. There’s also more trust and accountability.
6. balance between attachment & Independence
Attachment represents our inherent need for emotional connection, closeness, and intimacy with our partner. Independence is the ability to maintain a sense of individuality that allows each partner to nurture their personal growth, pursue their interests, and maintain a strong sense of self. Balancing attachment and independence means honoring both the togetherness and separateness within a relationship. It’s the middle ground where there’s neither codependency nor self centered individualism. It’s interdependence at its best, where couples show strong mutual support, genuine freedom of expression, and a deep sense of intimacy and trust.
7. a strong authentic sense of self
The Authentic sense of self recognizes our own self worth and is able to provide self validation. When it’s underdeveloped, we are unable to accept ourselves where we are presently and require the validation and acceptance of others to feel good about ourselves – we have a Mirrored sense of self instead. That’s why people feel so hurt in intimate relationships – they are depending on their partner to constantly prove to them their value and worth. That’s a very disempowered position to be in! Their value is only determined by external recognition and validation, they have no control over it.
The Mirrored sense of self causes havoc in an intimate relationship, because no matter how much we love someone, it’s impossible for anyone to provide ongoing 24/7 unconditional love and validation to our partner – we have our own shit to deal with, and that one is ongoing 24/7! Developing a strong sense of Authentic self is what allows us to be honest and transparent with ourselves and others so we can grow. We are empowered to deal with our own flaws and challenges and acknowledge our own strengths and successes, which in turn helps us to develop healthier relationships with others, especially our intimate partner.
Now you will be able to start looking for ways to bring the 7 secrets consistently into your own relationship. Once they become an intrinsic part of your relationship, you will see they are a powerful catalyst for an astonishing transformation in connection, passion and love with your partner. If you want to learn more about the 7 Secrets and how to apply them to your relationship, I go into a lot more detail about them in the 7 Secrets of Successful Relationships guide. Click here to download.
Really loved this one!!