Problems are just a symptom
Why is my relationship failing? If you keep asking that and your relationship is showing signs that it’s going to die soon, it’s because you don’t really know what the actual root problem is. Let’s face it, if you did, you would have already adjusted the course and things would be getting better, not worse. But your relationship keeps going downhill, it is problem, after problem, after problem!
The truth is that while you keep focusing on the problems you will never address the root cause. Start looking at problems as just symptoms. Symptoms that the reality you are experiencing in your relationship doesn’t match the model of what you think it should look like. But just because you think you shouldn’t be experiencing something it doesn’t make it true.
You see, when there are problems in the relationship arena, most people assume it’s because there’s something wrong. Something wrong either with them, their partner or both of them. But that’s far from the truth and that’s why most people can’t solve their relationship problems. They are trying to fix something that’s not broken, no wonder it doesn’t work!
There's nothing wrong with you
I’m going to let you in a secret here: there’s nothing wrong with you or your relationship. Ok, I know now you think I’m crazy, but bear with me for a few paragraphs and I’ll explain. By definition, something wrong is something that is incorrect, it’s an anomaly, it shouldn’t be that way. Now, have a look at society in general, do you see couples experiencing very similar problems to the ones you are experiencing? Hell yeah! Everywhere. What you are experiencing is definitely not an anomaly, the problems you have are just a result of cause and effect. When you do what you and millions of other couples have been doing, you experience the problems you all have been experiencing. The problem is not that there’s something faulty with you or your partner, you are just following a relationship model that won’t let you win.
What you do or don't do give you the results you get
Let’s use a metaphor to make this easier to understand. You buy a fruit tree for your yard expecting it to become a big tree that will bear sweet fruits for many years. You also expect shading and a wonderful climbing place for your kids. But you’ve never grown a fruit tree successfully before, you don’t know the first thing about growing them right. You believe all you need is some spot on any soil and it will grow the way it’s meant to grow.
So you plant it in the shade, on a shallow garden bed on top of a concrete slab. You don’t water it often, never weed or fertilize it. Every now and then you go have a look and see if the tree is growing. But it’s actually stunted and barely surviving. It grows a few blossoms, but never fruits. You get very annoyed and disappointed.
Now, do you think it would be fair to say there’s something wrong with the tree? It’s not doing what fruit trees are meant to do, you must have bought a defective one, right? Maybe there’s something wrong with you? That’s it, you don’t have a green thumb, you will never be able to grow a fruit tree right! Both these conclusions are nonsense. It’s obvious that the problem was never the tree, there was nothing wrong with it, it just didn’t get all the things it needed to thrive. The result was normal for the actions that you took – and didn’t take. It happens all the time around the world with millions of fruit trees. But if you had first learned what fruit trees actually need to grow successfully, you would have been able to do all the right things. And if you did, the tree would have thrived.
Your relationship is like a fruit tree
Relationships wither and die because, just like the fruit tree, they are not set up right to start with. Not because the people involved are defective. They don’t get what is needed for relationships to thrive. And it’s not because people are intentionally doing things to make it fail. Let’s face it, most people go into a relationship with no idea of what makes it really work – or even worse, they have the wrong ideas! Let’s go back to the tree analogy. Imagine that instead of doing nothing, you had actually fed the tree. But instead of giving it water and plant fertilizer you gave it Coca Cola and dry dog food? Would the tree have thrived? It might not have struggled as much as when it was getting nothing, but can you expect it to grown strong and give sweet fruits? Of course not. The same happens to relationships.
A broken relationship model
The real reason your relationship is failing is because you are following the wrong relationship model. One given to us by the media, society, movies, books. They all tell you intimacy and connection should just come to us all naturally and if we are with the right partner, it should just be easy and flow. We will know when it’s THE ONE, and we won’t need to do anything, the relationship will just be effortlessly passionate and happy. What a joke! That’s the same as saying that if we just buy the right fruit tree, we won’t have to do anything but will get all the benefits at the end. Relationships are just like fruit trees, they need to be setup right, and then you need to take specific actions and avoid others, to experience constant passion, intimacy, connection and partnership.
A new relationship model
It’s time to realize you are not broken, you are not a failure, you are not unlovable. And neither is your partner. You just weren’t trained for success in intimate relationships! Now you can start taking ownership of the relationship you want to create for yourself and your partner. It’s time to adopt a new model of relationship that will lead you to feel empowered and in control, rather than defective and hopeless. If you are ready to change your paradigm and to learn what really makes a relationship work and thrive, read my blog post 7 Secrets of a Successful Relationship.